Where in the world did that come from?

            So I just want to share a quick experience I had today, which was really quite bizarre. So there I was in class and then some guy sits next to me. Before class starts, we talk a bit, and while we were talking I realize that he’s totally flirting with me! Well, I disregard it and I let class start and I start listening to the professor. After all, this is BYU and I probably just misread things a bit.

            I really don’t think much of it until later on in the lecture, this guy several times “accidently” brushes my leg or arm. Again, I don’t really do anything because…well, I don’t really know why. But then he eventually rests his foot on top of mine. And leaves it there. For the rest of the class.

            I honestly didn’t know what to do. Was he interested in me or was this just some sort of accident? Was he just the type of person who really didn’t care about people’s personal space? I mean, after class, he just got up and left. And just saying, he was really cute. So…maybe I’ll sit next to him again?

What's in a name

­I realized the other day that I never really explained the title of this little blog, “All love is unrequited.” It’s a long story, but I might as well tell it anyway.

So first off, I’m a TV addict. As in, I’m the sort of person, who when they find a TV show that they like, will spend the next few days watching said TV show constantly through various nefarious means. This happened to me for Lost, Battlestar Galactica, Heroes, etc. Not exactly a good habit. But anyway, this last summer, I was actually out on the hunt for a good TV show, and I kept on finding recommendations online to watch something called Babylon 5. I had never heard of the show and a casual internet search showed that it had been a sci fi show back in the ‘90s which had gotten good critical response though never had a stellar following. So I began to watch it. I actually really didn’t love it at first, but in all my research (ha…I’m talking about researching TV shows) people had said that the first season wasn’t as good as the following seasons. So I trudged along. And I’m so grateful I did. I don’t think I’ve loved a TV show more than Babylon 5. It had intrigue, compelling characters that developed over time and eventually reached resolutions, long overarching plot lines, and so much more. Granted the acting wasn’t great (except for a few stellar actors) nor were the special effects (of course, I’m comparing them to current technology) but overall it was fantastic.

So, coming back to the title of my blog, near the end of the show, there was this heart breaking story arc. Essentially, this man who had always been in love with one of the main characters, who never returned said feelings mostly because she was sort of arrogant, sacrificed himself to save her. Yeah, it sounds cliché, but she was reflecting on it afterwards (more of actually sobbing) because she knew he had always loved her, and that a part of her loved him, but never to the same extent. She goes through all these emotions, part of it survivors guilt, part of it love, part of it who knows what. At the end the scene, she says the line, of which this blog derives its’ name, “all love is unrequited, all of it.”

This line resonated with me days and weeks after I watched it (to this day actually). I kept on thinking about it; what it meant, whether it was true, etc. I mean, to some extent, I definitely think it is true. The phrase essentially says that one’s love can never be returned by another, and  I mean, no matter how in love two people are, will they ever really be able to return the exact same love that the other feels for them? Human beings are complex people with complex emotions. Emotional attachments and love form for different reasons and in different ways for each person. So in that sense, we can never return some one’s love in the exact same way. That said, I still definitely believe two people who are in love can form a healthy and stable relationship.

I think this probably also resonated with me so much partially because of this whole situation I’m in. After all, right now I definitely feel the more negative parts of that phrase; that I’ll never be able to find someone who loves me in return, that I’ll be alone forever. Alas the life of a gay Mormon. Hopefully that part in particular isn’t true though. I guess my emotions are just playing with me again. And being at BYU probably doesn’t help my case either. C’est la vie…

Down Underneath

Down Underneath

So I was thinking earlier today on a topic I think about a lot. Who are the other gay students at BYU? Of course, probably the more self-aware ones go to the USGA club, which I could go to if I really wanted. However, the majority probably haven’t really come out to themselves yet, still denying it, and will probably end up in some mixed orientation marriage, which will (though not for certain) end in disaster. I make this sweeping statement after reading many a story of such (so please don’t hate me). However, I digress.

While thinking on this topic, I stumbled upon some news clip that briefly mentioned the BYU gay underground. I had never heard of said ‘underground’ and didn’t know whether to be amused or not with this tidbit, or should I even believe it. Is this where other gay students go? Is it some sort of honor code breaking secret society or are they just “underground friend circles”? I probably would never even find these secret circles if they existed because I’m in an engineering major where, to say the least, gay people don’t exactly abound.

Sorry to anyone who’s reading this and feels disgusted by my writing style. I kinda jump around from thought to thought. I just wanted to jot down this train of thought and move on.

Really? More than meets the Eye?

            Whenever I walk around BYU campus, quite frankly, my gaydar goes off. A lot. I know that might not make sense, or seem very likely. I mean, why would a gay person want to go to BYU? Well, here I am and probably lots others who are mostly closeted.

            I don’t want to give in to stereotypes or anything, but whenever I’m walking around, there are quite a few people who are just so obviously gay, just based on the way they dress and act. You know the look, just…gay. Super tight pants, deep v neck, perfectly coifed hair, the walk etc. Whenever I see those people, I just think, “Have they come out to themselves? What’s their relationship with the Church? Am I just over generalizing and they’re actually straight?” However, I mostly admire these people. I mean, they’re obviously comfortable with themselves and probably don’t care that other Mormons might judge them for deviating from the norm.

            While there are those people who you can obviously tell are gay, the others are the ones I really wonder about. The ones who are dressed cleanly, and obviously put some effort into their appearance. The ones who still have that ‘look’ about them. I always wonder in my head if these people are gay. I mean, a lot of straight guys put no effort into their appearance, but the culture in Mormonism is to have a guy be a bit cleaner looking than usual, so…it’s hard to tell. But regardless, these are still the people I want to make friends with. These are the people who, like me, don’t like to advertise who they are (Not that there’s anything wrong with the overtly flamboyant guys). Sometimes I just want to ask them if they’re gay, but…that would be awkward. Especially if they’re the person who is struggling with their sexuality and still coming to terms with it. But then again, wouldn’t it be better if they came out to themselves (maybe by my influence of talking to them) then end up marrying some woman, trying to take away the gay?

Depression...of a sorts

            Well, I figured that as long as I’m doing a blog talking about some of my experiences, I might as well get to some of the meat of being gay and Mormon; how’s it affected me. Well, that certainly is a very broad subject, but I figure I can break it down into some of the more basic sections, the main being psychologically.

           

            First however, I’ve got to do a bit of background. So I’m a sophomore her down at BYU, and last year, as a freshman, was when the issue really began to come to head. Throughout my entire teenage life, I think I’ve known, deep down. I mean honestly, I would get no physical reaction when seeing a women who were supposed to be hot, while having the opposite reaction with men. But anyway, I digress. So right after my freshman year at college ended, I went home where my parents started to pressure me to put in my mission papers, as I was going to turn 19 in a few short months. But I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I didn’t know why, I just knew that I did not want to go on a mission. So I gave them lame excuses, just delaying things, while inside, I wanted to figure everything out. What were these emotions and thoughts that I was having? I kept on denying the fact that these feelings were real. I mean, who would honestly want to have these attractions, seeing as people tend to be shunned from society, especially in the Mormon universe. About a month after I’d come home, I was one the computer, and suddenly, I decided to just search on the internet “gay and Mormon.” I don’t really know why I did that search. It really hadn’t come to surface yet. But this pretty much forced it to the surface. I read, and read and read all these different stories about other gay Mormons and ex Mormons. Eventually, I came to realize that that person was me. That I was gay. And I despised myself.

           

            Depression. Probably fairly typical for gay people in general, but even more so for us raised Mormon. For those of you who have experienced depression, you know that it isn’t some mere passing sadness. The glimmer of life is gone and suicide becomes a very real option. To say the least, this last summer was hell. I didn’t have professional help, and I went through it all alone. I would not recommend this to anyone. Eventually I came to terms to who I was, essentially fully coming out to myself, towards the end of the summer, and then, off to BYU where if anything, the pain will come back.

Who Am I?

            Ok. I’m finally doing it. I’m creating a blog. Entering the blogosphere. Now, those of you out there who are reading this (which granted, probably isn’t anyone) may be saying to yourself, “Oh boy, another blog I get to read. I wonder what sort of interesting things this blogger will write about. I mean after all, the title of his blog just looks so enticing. It must be fascinating!” Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I’m about to join the ranks of a very much overdone blog topic: gay, and Mormon.

            Wait what?! That’s what this whole blog is about? You being gay and Mormon? Yes, and I am quite aware that there are many a blog out there on the exact same subject. I wonder myself if there’s anything I can add to the conversation. Well, I’ve concluded that this blog is not for other people, but rather for me. I mean, why should I care if other people read my blog? (I'm selfish like that) If anything, I hope this blog can be an outlet where I can scream at the world and not get in trouble for. And, being gay and Mormon isn’t the only thing I’ll blog about. I’ll probably write about my life, all the incredible hardships that I go through, etc. etc.

            

           Anyway, with that out of the way, I figure I should introduce myself, to an extent, so that people reading this will understand my background and the references I make. So, here I go. I’m gay. That’s pretty basic. And I’m also Mormon. Whether or not I’m a believing Mormon is yet to be determined. Obviously being raised in the Church, and dealing with being gay can cause one to ask a lot of questions. So to say the least, I’m questioning. That being said, I’m currently going to BYU and everyone there thinks I'm a stalwart member (if only they knew). This is my second year here and I haven’t gone on a mission yet. Awkward… Well, seeing as I’ve been doubting the whole thing, should I really potentially waste two years of my life trying to see if it’s true? I think not. My parents have been putting a lot of pressure on me to go. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I’m not quite sure yet) they don’t know any of this whole…gay thing, so they really don’t understand my reluctance to go. I’ve just been doing basic delaying tactics, like telling them, “I need to do a bit more at school” or “I’m not ready yet.” I guess you who are reading (if you actually are out there) will see how the whole thing goes.

            

          Oh, and on another note, you’ve probably noticed that my writing style is a bit different. Probably because I’m randomly sarcastic at times. It breaks the boredom. So if you can get through my crappy writing, you’ll see a lot of interesting posts in the next while. I’d love to have people actually read about me…hehe